Giving Gyan: Dear Bachi, my wife and in-laws call me useless
I seek your guidance in my very difficult situation. I am 51
years old now but have psychologically scarred since
college as a result of severe bullying as well my own
innate problems. I finally managed to get a job six years
after graduation, but didn’t make much headway in it.
Soon after, I got married to a well-qualified girl working for a well-regarded multinational. It was an arranged marriage done
after horoscope matching and I had agreed to it after a
meeting with the girl. She belongs to my own caste but not
my community. Initially she was all good and told me that
it ‘doesn’t matter if you are facing issues with your career,
I am with you and you don’t have to worry on the financial
A couple of years later, I lost my job, and then all
that kindness flew out of the window. She turned cold,
refused to have sex and the stopped communicating with
me altogether. I thought it was a passing phase and once I
got settled again , things would improve. They didn’t
instead her parents also joined in and started calling me
useless. In the meanwhile, I did manage to get some jobs
but found them too demanding, and left.
Then came the final blow. She moved out and went to live with her
parents. This was five years ago, during which she has
refused to respond to any call or message. In fact, she has
blocked me on WhatsApp and email. I might inform you
that I am working again, but without any significant
progress in my job profile though I am taking Online
Courses to upgrade my skills. By the way, I also consulted
a Psychiatrist some years ago who has helped control my
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am also on medication
for some chronic ailments.
Kindly suggest what should be my future course of action.
Should I focus exclusively on my career and leave my
personal issues to God in the hope that the passage of
time things will improve matters?
— Mr Train Wreck
Dear Mr Train Wreck,
You certainly seem to have been handed out problems in
spades. Name it and you have got it. Marital, professional,
physical, psychological or even psychiatric. And each one of
them aggravates the others. Your problem is not your
problems. It is your making them an excuse and thus allowing
them to hijack your life, and ruin it.
I am tempted to say that I’m not surprised that your wife left in
despair over you ever getting a grip on your job or your mental
state. Yes, yes, marriage is ‘for better or for worse, in sickness
and in health’, etc, but a woman is also entitled to her happiness
especially when the man she is saddled with simply shows no
sign of self help.
Okay, you cannot be blamed for your OCD, and I am glad you
sought proper help for it. At least I will give you good marks for
taking what is not an easily taken decision in our society.
However, you cannot keep making college time bullying the
figleaf for your own refusal to pull yourself together. Listen
dude, lots of people have to make do with jobs they don’t like,
but they don’t simply walk out because they find them too
boring or ‘demanding’. If you want to pander to your laziness,
then you have to accept the consequences.
You say you are taking courses to upgrade your skills. It may
be too little, too late for your marriage. But it’s never too late to
improve your self worth. All your problems have stemmed from
a lack of willingness to do this. You ask if you should leave your
personal issues to God. My answer lies in the wise saying that
God helps those who help themselves. And, yes, a good place
to start is with your poor, neglected career.
Ask your questions to Bachi @[email protected]
(Write Giving Gyan in the subject line of your email)
Views expressed above are the author’s own.
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